what you say, what you do

They say words are weak
so it don't matter what you speak.
I believe in the power of words
said with honesty and confidence
said with passion and prudence.
They're notes of what the heart sings
When it reaches the ear that listens
it's a water droplet that glistens
the lighted spectrum of the skies
after a rainy storm which cries.

They say words are weak
So it don't matter what you speak
That in itself is a twisted critique
It keeps you low, so far from the peak.
it clips the wings that words will bring
back to you; all the things for you
words that ring true will do...

at the moment

He said "You make me smile" and told me I'm always a surprise. I was the first girl he ran into in the foreign place. He said I'm remarkable, and I talk in run-on sentances. I asked too many questions and it made him laugh. I don't know what I was to you but I guess I'll never know. I don't expect much but I didn't expect the absence of your words for so long. You're hard to reach and at first there was your voice, vivid and alive. Yet distant, still unreal. Then you disappear, you fade fast without goodbye. Honestly I'm tired of you constantly invading my mind, attacking me with words you've said before. Honestly I've only wanted to be friends, like I'd told you- I don't know where to go from here and I wish I didn't have to choose between walking away or holding on this way. I barely know you enough to say I know you. You were sweet and light spirited, childlike yet different. I wish these things could come across to you as a compliment some day, but the likeliness of such a thing is negative percent. See, I'm not a pessimist, but you've turned my hopes down. I won't allow myself to keep my eyes fixed on the ground; but the way I tried, the way I risked, the way I dove into the unkown- that day I sparked up a conversation.. the way I was then will be kept in the past till I'm through the confusion. For now, I'll talk to this wall, and keep myself from frustration. I only wonder what's going through your brilliant little mind, I only wish you'd be a bit more present in a world that connects to mine. If you remain a mystery, a broken bridge in history, then I only wish you the best for what's to come- and one day, that you remember me simply for the little things.

Elevator.

Whoever's next. Whether we go up or down- I will not hesitate.
Once he cupped his hand around my face.
Once he stepped in purposely just to blurt a simple compliment.
I ignore you all because I feel like a dumb and childlike doing anything about your sweet gestures.
I've never really been the childlike type of girl, never been the one to ask for attention that way.
never been the loud and obvious type, never been the one to pull ones like you back.
Sorry I should've known, because now I remember and see what it could've been
and sorry I let you go, because I was waiting for you to take more steps than me
Next I don't know how long it will be.
Maybe weeks, maybe months.
Just for those few seconds.
But whether we go up or down- I will not hesitate/

Wanting to throw something across the room, watch the wall crack, and the object shatter it to pieces.

My little sister.
Accuses me of something wrong to defend my offended brother.Yells at me like a mother.
He calls me a dumbass, and she does not give a care. Typical. Makes me so mad.

whether you say you can or can't, you're probably right.

Uncertainty

I don't know what you are meaning when you shy away. I can't tell if you're avoiding me, motivated by discomfort that is fond or of shame.
I assumed for a moment that I've no clue, and I shouldn't stick a label on you.
But a while later I grew impatient and let my insecurity get the better of me.
So inside I was tangled up and hurt, thinking of all the worst-
 that you cared so little of me that you'd decided to treat me like dirt.
 But I couldn't kick you out the box, out the center focus of my mind-
 I couldn't walk away for my own sake.
The question kept spinning and screaming inside:
 "How could a person be such a way, and you, out of all that I know?," because I hated to doubt you so.
And now, I'm back to square one, reminding myself not to jump so soon. Not to fall so fast.
I can fall into his smile or fall on my own face feeling a cold bitter trace, but no, don't let yourself fall.
Stand your ground, and don't assume what you don't know.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

conversational.

Bestie: Why so tired?

Me: lack of sleep last night. Had a bit of a breakdown and after crying some I needed to put my mental state to rest so I took a long nap and woke up at an awkward time. Stayed up till 2AM and woke up at 4AMish to go running. 

Bestie: Wow.

hey I gtg finish working but I'm praying for you girly

 

(Me: wouldn't it be wonderful if we had something to spark us on to the next day and keep our fires going inside so when an emotional blizzard hits it won't freeze up or numb the rest of you :P)

If this twisted hope was a bird I'd like to shoot it down.

That feeling of being pushed from the back onto the ground.
The noise in your soul clashing together too loud
That feeling of having been slapped in the face,
afraid for what may be maybe won't be replaced
So frustrated, heavy-weighted. Must throw up all that's inside,
but eat the whole world; till what's gained chokes my pride.
Wanting to walk until the ugly view, the hopeless you is gone
Out of sight, out of mind, out of my broken pieces.
Or crawl into a box of black, gemmed and tied in laces.

I just stay here.

Those words
I'll always be there
Those words
best friends, forever
Those words
trust me it's okay
Those words
I won't walk away
Those words
I won't let you down
Those words...
But you turn around.
You turn away
you don't stay
the words fade
as I linger and wait
in a sunless shade.
I hate saying "too late"
for you to get back
my trust but I must
hang on to...
Those words.
Because you..
remain alive within
the heart that's been worn thin
carrying the past and the perhapses.

A story to tell

Would you care for history?
What is of someone's dark past?
Would you sit and stay for me
when around us all spins fast?
Would you listen with patience
by the firelight burning bright
Would you sit, to stay, to stay-
be hands that hold, night or day?
If the piled sticks stopped burning,
a heavy rain starts pouring,
would you sit and stay today.
to listen through, all the way?

Behind this broken smile

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.  ~Emily Dickinson


Behind this broken smile
There is a messy pile
of pages written and torn
taped together and adorned
in glitter, dried petals, and paste
her heart is a restless place

Behind this broken smile
is a wish wanting for a while
for you to stay longer than short
like the past many and more
that are to walk away later
but heartbreak is not heartshatter

Behind this broken smile
she's still a hopeful child
still her pieces remain, and pain
will not push her love over
to a brittle heart that's bitter.
Her battle will continue through
the doubts, noise, and You.

Whatever she has and will lose
is the cost of her stubborn refuse
to walk away just as they've done
for if she does, she'll lose the sun.

piece of my past before he faded away

Your wods sparkle up inside of me
when it feels like I'm stuck in a black box
Your words, they light up that pitch dark.
Night sky, dressed in twinkles of the eye
What you see and speak of me
makes withered hopes and dragging days
transform into a beauty, you say my soul's pretty
I'd say they're lies and push you aside
but when you say, girl, pick up your pride,
you brought me to life what had once almost died
because your faith in me is real
that's what my feelings feel
there are no signs saying don't coss that line
for the first time in a long while...

Moment for life

More alive than ever
More myself than ever
More in love than ever
My heart has never beat steadier
My feet have not been lighter
Stay, darling stay with me
These words I need not say
for this feeling is not fleeting
It used to be hidden within
it's out now, and won't run away.

Actions by words.

"Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch".
Do you believe in it?

Gentle hold.

I just want meaning. I just want a step closer than nothing. I just want to hold a heart, not take one. I just want to be remembered, and thought of once in a while. I just want to know you. To know your story and your true heart’s desires, because I simply do. But it’s not that simple, now, is it. And it’s not just complicated either.'

The skies of my world

On sunny days, I look up at the blinding clouds and remember imagining shapes and stories. When the warm glow fades and the chilling wind sweeps in with the darkness spilling in like ink, I look out my window from under my covers and wish upon the moon keeping the night lit and hopeful. The sky will always be above me, going through its routine till the storm, and rain, snow.  I’m always waiting for the sun set so the shades will change and blend together.

When trying gets too hard.

"Where there's a will, there's a way..." "They never said it was going to be easy..."
There's a mountain, packed with doubts and failures, on my back. I feel broken and worn, but I have to keep moving. What I really mean is, I struggle with many things. I know I'm not the only one, we all do..But the biggest issue that sets me apart from the majority (an assumption) is that many of my struggles keep me from trying to climb out of the dump. It's hard to get off my seat, when my heart is saying she wants to run free, dance on light toes, and sing like the birds, something rooted deeper inside blocks my way from doing what I want to do. They say, if you want what you do enough, you'll get out and do it. So is it that I don't want the changes I desire to a sufficient extent? I am an ironic perfectionist who desires to have things 'perfect' in my own way; the irony lies in the fact that I do not actually climb towards those standards. That does not go to say that I do not work towards the standards, because I do. Except I constantly trip, fall, sit, and let myself tumble back down the slope I'd worked up because I feel so weak. This is when I go "!@#$%^&* ugh.....". But I won't give up because even if the plotted graph of my effort vs progress may be a hot mess, that doesn't mean it will always be that way. The thing about hope is, sometimes you just have to hang on to it even when it seems illogical and stupid. Because it's what you need. It's all you can do to bring light to today and tomorrow.

Against Stereotypes.

Sunday. Church.
What did I learn? Nothing new.
What did I realize? Many things.
Typically me. Constantly being reminded of things and realizing what's been stored in the back of my mind for some time. The storage there is a mountainous pile, there's lots to pull out and read through.
So why do I feel uncomfortable, unbelonging, and somewhat broken in a church?
Fingers can be pointed at the obviouses. The community and atmosphere, my lack of faith, etc.
But it's actually, I found, about me and God. And my strong feelings against stereotypes. So I could say, it's also about the people and culture. I've grown up in church all my life, and always been told I'm a lovely, angelic, good-hearted precious child. That's nice, but...but what? I don't know, it's so..black and white. I'm more of a grey, a gunmetal grey with chunks of black, sparkles of white, and other misfitting colors like dirty brown and baby blue. It's not always pretty, nor straightforward and pure. In fact, I'm quite a mess- like a human. I do, I have a love for God and he's done much for me in life. There's no doubt there's none as great, loving, forgiving, and knowing as he is. He's my friend, mentor, and father. But I'm sick of the stereotype of what 'good' 'christian' 'God' 'Jesus' 'loving' 'church' 'worship' etc. is all about...where's the brokeness and honesty? Who's gonna be real with it and admit we are simply who we are? Simply people, trying and struggling in relationships with God and people because the world's got lots to offer and bring us down? I know for myself that I prefer to do more for myself than what God wants me to do. I prefer to keep my guards up and stay within my comfort zone, as much of a daring, bold, crazy, adventerous soul I try to be. My friends and family will tell me that I am, but I don't have the courage to run after God because of my pride. Well I have to go now and attend another service for New Years..tata for now.